I haven’t been able to get myself out of bed in the morning feeling motivated for the past year. My focus has been clouded by some things I can’t even tell what they are. I’ve been struggling, trying to define my goal and the purpose of life. I constantly feel the need of changes, the need to get myself out of my routine – my comfort zone, the need to get out there and explore in order to find something I’m passionate about. I’m craving something new. I look at other people around me and I envy them for having figured out what they want to do with their life. Some are paving their way up the career path ladders. Some are building up a family. I feel like I haven’t been doing any of those. And somehow I feel left out.
It’s been almost a year and I’ve done so many traveling and other activities to keep myself occupied. I’ve met many interesting (and sometimes weird) people. I’ve been to odd places I never thought I’d get to be. I’ve done many things that challenged myself and pushed myself pass my limit, out of my comfort zone (e.g. spending a week at a temple, traveling alone, eating chicken feet, running a 5k, trekking up mountains and active volcanoes at night, sleeping in a tent in the middle of a jungle without toilet and electricity, etc.) My parents and friends think I’ve gone crazy. So does my bank account. I think I’ve gone crazy. Yet I can’t stop.
I was having this discussion over and over again with two of my best friends. One of them defined what I’m going through as a ‘Midlife Crisis’ I have no idea what on earth this means. But I guess it was when someone struggles in finding their true self, their passion, their cup of tea, or even love of their life. I constantly convince myself I’m happy where I am – securing a stable job with possible career advancement, having loving family and friends, getting to spend time on hobbies and so on. But if I’m truly happy, maybe I shouldn’t have to be convincing myself I am. My other best friend who are going through a similar feeling said it is possible that we’re feeling the way we’re feeling because we’re single. And may be we feel like there is a missing piece of us. We all need someone who we could rely on in time of need. Family and friends are great supporters but they give us different feelings in the perspective of love. We need someone whom we can share thought and feelings with. I get it. But to me, it shouldn’t have to be like that. Why should we have to rely our happiness on someone (when food can give you almost the same happiness until it makes you fat)?! Human are too complicated.
Whether ‘having a boyfriend/girlfriend will make you feel more completed’ is a myth or not, there is only one way to prove it – get a boyfriend. But where are the good guys who are not taken, weird, too short, or don’t friend zone me? Instead of making that one of the things that make me more miserable than I already am, I’m just going to pack my bag for a quick get a way to a near by beach town with my girl friends. So we can talk about all the midlife crisis we are facing. At least I’m not alone on this. In the mean time, I’ll just keep sharing my thoughts and feelings with food. I bet I could even rely on it in time of need (or hunger too)